Most people agree that breaking up with someone via an SMS or instant messaging or even email, is just plain rude and even cowardly.

However, most offenders seem to be still at school, so perhaps they can be forgiven their lack of social graces.

What is also common with texted break ups is that the receiver of the text was so disgusted by the way they were informed that they felt better off without the sender, recognising their cowardice and lack of commitment to the relationship.

An informal survey indicates that if a relationship is still young – less than a few weeks old – text break ups seemed more forgivable.

There was also considerable anger with break up messaged delivered in public online forums such as myspace and facebook.

One woman wrote that when she went through the phonebook of her cell phone, she was surprised to find her partner listed as “Ex-boyfriend”. He had obviously accessed her cell phone and made edit as a cowardly way of getting his message across.

Another young woman was sitting beside her partner, both playing with their cell phones, and she received his text that it was now all over.

But can it be argued, that with the rise in technology, and the decline of the traditional art of letter writing, that we are just seeing a new version of a “Dear John” message?

What do you think? Do you have any relationship horror stories revolving around texting? I’d love to hear them!

Dear Heart,

Yes, the pain can seem unbearable. Sometimes it can feel that life’s not even worth going on with. I’ve been there too, when I was very young and inexperienced.

Now, I have a better understanding of what’s really happening, psychologically and even physically, so it’s easier for me to get my balance back faster.

I just mentioned a very important point. Balance. You have been emotionally knocked off balance, and how long it takes to restore it, is totally under your control.

There are a couple of factors underlying this. One is grief. The other is fear.

I’ll speak about grief first.

The death of a relationship can be understood in similar terms of an actual physical death. The well-accepted five stages of grief also show up in relationship break-ups – denial, rage, negotiation, depression, peace.

Initially you would have been numb with shock at the announcement. You may probably have had a bit to drink, to keep yourself numb. You probably wanted to sleep for a long time, and hoped madly that you might wake up thinking this was all a bad dream.

Then you would have moved onto anger and rage. Being a drama queen can be very therapeutic because it will move you along the path of grief. This is when the belongings get thrown onto the footpath. This is when glasses get smashed, and paintings slashed.

Next comes negotiation, which sounds like where you’re at. This is where some kind of sanity is restored, contemplation, introspection, analysing the relationship. This is when poets and songwriters and wordsmiths find a lot of material for their craft (that’s why you get SO many sad songs)

(to be continued)

Dear Heart,

Let me reassure you that those 3 years of your life were NOT wasted. Love is ALWAYS good, even if it isn’t forever.

Let me give you this analogy:

Imagine you are backpacking around the world by yourself, and say you find yourself in India. You’re having a great time, and then you meet up with someone else who is also travelling by themselves, so you decide to team up together.

You have a terrific time, and really enjoy each other’s company. You have lots of fun and see many interesting things, and learn a lot about each other and from each other.

But then the day comes when you’re at the border of India, deciding where to go next. You’d love to go to China. Unfortunately, China does absolutely nothing for your friend, who has their heart set on Russia. And sadly, Russia does absolutely nothing for you! So you both sit and think, and someone suggests a compromise – hey, why not go to Japan instead?

So now you have three obvious options:

1. Your friend can give up their dream and go to China with you. You’d be very happy. Sadly, your partner will not. Be assured, everytime they have an unhappy experience, you’re going to be hearing about it!

2. You can give up your dream of going to China, and go to Russia in order to continue being with your friend. But in the back of your mind, you’ll be wondering if you shouldn’t have just gone along with your dream in the first place. Playing the martyr isn’t good for the friendship.

3. Or you can both give up your dreams, and compromise on a mutual decision. Neither of you will have what you really want, both will be wondering what might have been.

Now, don’t give up here. Because there is a fourth option.

You can realise that none of these three options listed above is really in everyone’s best interest, but you love your friend enough to have them follow their heart’s desire. You also have enough love and respect for yourself to realise that you really need to go your way too. Can you tell where this is leading?

You can lovingly say your goodbyes on this hypothetical border of India, wishing your friend lots of future love and happiness on their ongoing travels, and knowing that you too will draw other interesting companions into your life. You can both treasure the memories and the wisdom that your journey together has contributed to your lives, but without needing to make it last forever.

The Buddhists have a wonderful little saying: Pain happens when you try to hold on to what is trying to move on.

So don’t regret the time that you have had together.  You have quite likely emerged as a more developed person, wiser, more insightful, more savvy.  (Sometimes learning what we DON’T want is more valuable, because it helps to shape our ideas of what we DO want).  So even if it wasn’t the perfect relationship, it was still important for you to have.

Oh, and by the way, the sooner you get over the anger of this “failed” relationship, the faster you can attract someone even better.

Love strongly, but love lightly!

Let me know what you think!  And if you have a question that you’d me to answer, please use my contact page to send it to me, and I’ll answer it in a future post.