Big Sister Coaching And Training
It's all about the energy of life, so stop wasting your will power!
It's all about the energy of life, so stop wasting your will power!
Image supplied by BigStockPhotos.com
Okay, I’m going to give you a VERY IMPORTANT lesson here.
Where you hurt, YOU NEED TO HEAL.
In your body, when you are wounded, it hurts like crazy. Pain has a purpose, which is to draw to your attention to the wound and to do something about it!
Emotionally, it is the very same principle. You have to take responsibility for where you’re vulnerable, and others can target you effortlessly.
Imagine you are a warrior, strong and fit, except for one weak area in your defenses. Do you think opponents will respect where you are vulnerable? Bullsh*t. They’re going to exploit it to their own advantage, without mercy.
It’s your responsibility to determine where you are vulnerable – using your pain as the main clue. And then decide what you are going to do about it.
A Personal Example of What I Mean
Whenever my husband and I have an argument, it is only too easy to blame him for all the pain I’m feeling.
When Sonnie, my husband, and I first met, we knew we were meant to be together.
He was my first partner in about 6 years of being on my own, and this was my first chance to put all my new relationship knowledge that I’d gathered in the intervening years, into practice.
After a few months of meeting each other, we decided to move to a regional town, almost 700 miles away. We would be isolated from friends and family, with only each other to relate to.
It was stressful. Coping with a new town, new jobs, new neighbourhood, new relationship. The stress would frequently manifest as bickering.
Then one day, soon after Christmas (more stress), with cloying heat and humidity (I’m downunder, remember), things just snapped. Sonnie started packing his suitcase, getting ready to leave.
I guess I panicked. I didn’t want to be stranded in a far away place, with no transport (our only car was his) and stuck in a job I really didn’t like.
Now, even though I managed to stop him from leaving that time, I wasn’t so sure he wouldn’t do it again.
So I sat myself down, and really looked at what had happened. I could only really look at it from my point of view, because I would only be guessing at what was happening for Sonnie.
What was happening for me? Where was I hurting? Abandonment issues, obviously. But also feeling that I relied on him too much for some basic needs, such as transport, and help with expenses.
So what could I do about that? What might I do, if worst came to worst, and he DID leave?
I eventually decided that I could probably move to a little seaside town closer to my hometown. For transport I could get an adult tricycle (no, I never learned to ride a bicycle, and I’m not willing to scrape my knees at this age in order to learn, LOL), and for employment, well, at least I could clean houses if there were no professional jobs available for me. I imagined the fun I would have at establishing myself as an eccentric local character, riding up the main street on my trike with my mop and bucket.
So armed with a new backup plan, I no longer felt reactive to future difficulties we had. Part of the subconscious game we had been playing was “I’m leaving! Let’s see you beg for me to stay”.
But now, I was more at ease calling his bluff, and once we got past the emotional reactiveness, we could begin working on the real issues that were simmering.
It has been almost 20 years now since Sonnie and I came to this town.
I try and support Sonnie to look at his own fears and make his backup plans.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are days I still get in a huff, but I’m just a lot quicker now in doing a bit of self-exploration when I find there are still buttons that get pushed.
And remember, our psyche is like a layered onion. Just because you peel away one level, doesn’t mean that there isn’t further stuff to be sorted out down the track.
Your Assignment
Make a summary of how people push your buttons.
Determine where you are vulnerable. What are you afraid of?
Explore the fear to the core. Decide if it’s a realistic fear or not (hint: almost none of them are).
Look this fear fully in the face. What would you do if it ever came to pass?
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